Every once in a while everyone is entitled to a bit of complaining, right? Or maybe just a little blurb about unpleasurable events? Yeah? Yeah.
So my "dad" is gone. Not like...on a business trip, nope. i mean, he's GONE. He left the family. He left us. He left. Straight up. And honestly, it's pulling me apart a little more than i'd like to admit to the general public. i mean, me and my dad have never had a really good relationship, but this is just the icing on the cake. Talk about a killer for self-esteem; that's my dad. If you're self conscious about it, he circles it with a big red marker. And he'll even take it upon himself to fix it if he deems necessary.
i remember always worrying about the next time he was going to harass me about exercising. He was all about the physical; the outside; the "image." And if you know me (or if i know myself) we can both agree that "image" is the last thing I'M worried about. EVER. i'm all about expression and going against the norm so people will LOOK. He was all about "following social norms." i can't tell you how many times he told me i needed to "follow the social norm" and do what other people did; dress the same, straighten my hair, no funky shoes or nails. And what did i say? SHUT UUUUP. Naw... actually i just gave him a straight "yes sir" and cried my eyes out later.
Now let's go back to the exercising thing. What the hell? What kind of crap-load father tells his daughter, the daughter who already has weight issues, to track her eating habits and start working out? i understand a child needs exercise, yeah, duh. But a 9 year old shouldn't be worried about her carbohydrate intake and be scared of the next time her dad was going to humiliate her in front of the entire family about losing some weight. i mean seriously? What is that?!
And that's just the beginning... an explanation of my dad and i's relationship over the years would fill...... something big... and the funny thing about it is, he's so delusional he thinks it's always been just peachy. BUT now he's gone. And i no longer have to come home at night and wonder if he's in a good or bad mood. i don't have to go running with him so he'll stop harassing me about working out. i don't have to hear stupid shit comments like "Are you wearing those pants?" "Why don't you wear a t-shirt?" "Have you gained weight?" after a week without seeing him. i don't have to keep my arms to my sides at church so he won't comment about me raising my hand in worship, and i don't have to take his lying-ass, fake smile, fake laugh, fake nice when he's around my friends. AHHH this is nice. No more dad. i could get used to this.
Oh and aren't dads supposed to be good examples and spiritual leaders? Well MY DAD had multiple affairs with different women over the course of his and my Mom's 28 years of marriage, and also once argued to me that you cannot do ministry in his workplace because it's not accepted. HMMM WOW DAD WHAT A GREAT EXAMPLE. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.
So there's that.
#2: Aaaaandy. You know when you care about someone and you mess up so you pray your guts out trying to figure out what to do next and the spiritual authorities in your life tell you to completely let go of this person and fill whatever space they're taking up in your heart with the Lord? Well yeah that's whats up with me and Andy. i love him. i miss him. And as much as anyone is like "hey you're dumb you don't really love him"... well... they're stupid, 'cause i do. That's that. i love Andy. But Andy does not belong to me, he belongs to Jesus. And i belong to Jesus. And until Jesus says "hey you two, have each other" then NO. And my gosh, this is the hardest thing i've ever ever ever ever ever had to do. i wish i didn't have to.
And then i look and i see Andy and i get sad. i get mad. At myself... at God. At my dad and at my spiritual leaders.
-At myself for having no self-control when i need it most.
-At God for making me give up Andy.
-At my dad for leaving a hole where there should have been a father figure
-At my spiritual leaders for directing me on a path that doesn't include Andy being my boyfriend
BUT THEN... i see that there's a reason for this. And if i just focus on GOD and His Kingdom and what i can do to expand it and share it, things come into perspective a little, and i know i'm taken care of and that my husband is either Andy, or someone more perfect than Andy (impossible to believe, i know)
Summary of things on my mind:
#1: My dad is a douche and left. i miss the dad i wish he was
#2: i miss Andy. i love Andy. i love Jesus more. Jesus is my boyfriend now... even though a lot of the time i wish it could be Andy. But that's later.... Andy =boyfriend later...or...hopefully = husband later
#3: Both of my brothers are leaving...dangit
#4: My 3 best friends (Sare, Bippanee, Kat) are all happily in relationships with wonderful guys... most nights it makes me cry and miss Andy
#5: i don't have the money to do 24/7 in August, so i'm waiting until January. i have peace about it, but that's SOOOOO far away from now. Wish i had the money
#6: Jesus is awesome. And as much as i cussed and said stupid girly stuff in this post, i am madly in love with my Father in heaven. i know He's got my back no matter what i'm dealing with
#7: Man.... i wanna play some Reach
