When i was younger i never clutched my barbie endearingly to my chest and, gazing out into the unknown, said to myself "i'm gonna mess up so bad when i'm older!" No. i probably said something along the lines of "i'm going to marry a prince and have a mansion and perfect kids right outta high school and never mess up and never regret anything and my family will be perfect and life will be easy."
Now i linger on the scent of yesterday's garbage and wonder if i'll ever stop stinking. Thoughts i didn't even know existed cloud my brain.
Things i should not know have become a part of me. Wedged in between the hairs on my head and the pores on my skin, leaving muddy tracks in the wrinkles of my brain and turning my green eyes grey. i always feel dirty. i feel like a sock that got dropped between the dryer and the wall in the laundry room while trying to make my way into the washing machine, and as much as i have crusted over and dried up and as much as i smell, no one knows where i am. i have become shaped involuntarily and left to collect dust in my terrible position behind the dryer.
i feel: used. hurt. betrayed. alone. filthy. whorish. neglected. abused. tortured by guilt. cut down by self esteem.
i feel overwhelmed.
i feel too young for this.
i feel burdened
AND THEN I REMEMBER. i am a child of Light. i am a daughter of the Almighty King of heaven and earth. i am anointed. i am remembered and made new. i am washed clean. i am not alone. i am beautiful in His sight. i have victory over all sin and sadness, over this world. i am forgiven. i am redeemed. i am free!
i have a Father who loves me. [Jeremiah 31:3]
i have a Father who is looking out for me. [Philippians 4:19]
i have a Father who would give anything for me. [Ephesians 5:2]
i have a Father who thinks more about me than ME. [Jeremiah 29:11]
i have a Father who knows my <3 and still loves me. [Luke 23:38-43, Romans 5:8]
