The Bells of New York City

Happy Birthday Sierra! You're one incredible person. i would die for you. i love you

Hey Mom, i'm writing all this down. Just like you wanted.

i feel like an experiment. i have to remember every little thing that's ever happened or been said since dad left. How sad.

So last night i met him to get Sierra's birthday present and he wanted to sit down and have coffee. We did. He was in waaaay too much of a good mood. i felt so... like this man was not who i remembered. Worse than i remembered. i thought the dad i knew was bad....... He doesn't even like me, he just wanted try and get SOMEONE on his side. i'm not on his side. And there were a few things that made me realize just how insane he really is:
#1: He started painting recently. My dad used to chastise me for being artistic. He hated the way i dressed, never appreciated my drawings, made me "conform" to social norms. Absolutely would not let me major in art or music in college. So now he's painting...
#2: And his most recent painting he did for Amy Wolaver Jetter, (yeah i'm droppin' names) his "friend". AND IT'S NOT EVEN GOOD.
#3: He mentioned a million times just how much Mom was poisoning us against him BLA BLA and how she is being passively aggressive. OKAY DAD SURE. Mom busts her ass teaching Sierra and Andrew and is actually sticking around to see them through their lives. You didn't even stick around long enough to see Andrew reach high school. And what's sad about that is you might still be around, but he'll never love you like a dad again.
#4: He got pissed because Mom is taking all of us to eat at a nice-ish restaurant for Sierra's birthday and he wasn't invited. Are you kidding me? Of course you weren't invited! You are OBLIGATED to pay for us to do stuff like this, considering the fact that you chose to bear, keep, and raise us kids. It's her freaking birthday so get over yourself and let her have a hint of normalcy considering you stripped all of that from her, too.
#5: Also, he made a veiled stab at my weight. Talking about how he's lost weight because he's not eating all the "crap" that's laying around the house. OH OKAY so normal food is crap? i bet he has tuna, beer and his girlfriend for every meal. Then he said "Your mom doesn't realize by cooking all that stuff she's compromising her children's health, yours especially." ............Check me if normal fathers say that to their daughters.
#6: He thinks he can tell me that he "insists i get a bachelor's degree". Really? Hahahahahahahahaha! i'm going into ministry, to fulfill my calling from the Lord. To pursue the Great Comission and follow in Jesus' footsteps. And you're going to tell me that's wrong? And that i'm being senseless not going back to college? How dare you. How dare you think that you can tell me what to do. You refuse to help me do what i want and need to do for the Kingdom and you think you can tell me how to spend my life and my money? HOW freaking dare you.

So my conclusion is: my dad is mental. He's acting like a sex-addicted 15 year-old boy, giddy about his new girlfriend but oblivious to the fact that he's ruining everything about himself, including the people he "loved." i was at a point where i would look at dad and pray for him and pity him because it's not him but the enemy working here. But now... i'm at the point where i don't even want to call him dad anymore. See DAD? THIS IS WHY Zack "flipped" on you, as you call it. Because you're like poison. You're selfish. You're sick. You make me sick. You use me. You act like you care just to get information and to unload because you have no one else.
You're missing out on our lives. You didn't care about us kids enough to NOT have a million affairs and stick around at least until we were old enough to not have it ruin our lives. You have no idea the repercussions of what you've done. You have no idea.
Please don't come to my wedding.

When do you say enough?

Ahh tomorrow. OH TOMORROW.

Sometimes I just look at people and think... do you have any idea what is going on? Seriously? Don't invite me somewhere, act like you want me there, then flirt your silly little head off with other girls the whole time. Please and thanks.

OH AND ALSO, guys, if the only people who comment on your wall, status updates, pictures, ect. are girls, then you're a flirt. If the majority of your friends are girls, and the only people who talk to you at school are girls, you're a flirt.

Every man in my life is gone. My older brothers are gone. My dad is gone. Andy is gone. And the sad thing is, i can't talk to anyone about it because they'll say "Well God is still a man in your life". But for the first time in a long time, i'm having trouble seeing where in my life He is exactly.

i feel overwhelmed. That's the only word i can think to use. i understand most people deal with siblings moving away and parents getting divorced. That happens regularly in today's society. But on top of my two brothers leaving, my biological dad, who never acted like he even liked me before now, is gone, but using me to keep contact with the family. Andy barely even looks at me anymore. i haven't read my Bible in days. i can't do 24/7 in August, i have to wait until January because i have to buy my own car. And whenever i do start 24/7 i have to have enough money to live on, by myself, for the duration of the internship.

i just... feel like i'm having to grow up too fast. i don't feel peace or freedom or relief. i'm anxious and sad and worried about finances. i don't know where i'm going or where i am. i'm walking down a road and i have no idea where it leads. My future isn't set in stone, and i'm scared of the change that's bound to happen.

What happened to me that i became this way? i cuss and don't want to be around the people i love. i feel sick all the time and spend my free-time... waiting. i feel watered-down and dirty.

i feel incomplete.

i must have bloody fingers

Assuming that no one but me even knows this blog exists, lets talk. Girl to blog. Woman to computer. Let's chat, oh dear keyboard.
Every once in a while everyone is entitled to a bit of complaining, right? Or maybe just a little blurb about unpleasurable events? Yeah? Yeah.

So my "dad" is gone. Not like...on a business trip, nope. i mean, he's GONE. He left the family. He left us. He left. Straight up. And honestly, it's pulling me apart a little more than i'd like to admit to the general public. i mean, me and my dad have never had a really good relationship, but this is just the icing on the cake. Talk about a killer for self-esteem; that's my dad. If you're self conscious about it, he circles it with a big red marker. And he'll even take it upon himself to fix it if he deems necessary.
i remember always worrying about the next time he was going to harass me about exercising. He was all about the physical; the outside; the "image." And if you know me (or if i know myself) we can both agree that "image" is the last thing I'M worried about. EVER. i'm all about expression and going against the norm so people will LOOK. He was all about "following social norms." i can't tell you how many times he told me i needed to "follow the social norm" and do what other people did; dress the same, straighten my hair, no funky shoes or nails. And what did i say? SHUT UUUUP. Naw... actually i just gave him a straight "yes sir" and cried my eyes out later.
Now let's go back to the exercising thing. What the hell? What kind of crap-load father tells his daughter, the daughter who already has weight issues, to track her eating habits and start working out? i understand a child needs exercise, yeah, duh. But a 9 year old shouldn't be worried about her carbohydrate intake and be scared of the next time her dad was going to humiliate her in front of the entire family about losing some weight. i mean seriously? What is that?!
And that's just the beginning... an explanation of my dad and i's relationship over the years would fill...... something big... and the funny thing about it is, he's so delusional he thinks it's always been just peachy. BUT now he's gone. And i no longer have to come home at night and wonder if he's in a good or bad mood. i don't have to go running with him so he'll stop harassing me about working out. i don't have to hear stupid shit comments like "Are you wearing those pants?" "Why don't you wear a t-shirt?" "Have you gained weight?" after a week without seeing him. i don't have to keep my arms to my sides at church so he won't comment about me raising my hand in worship, and i don't have to take his lying-ass, fake smile, fake laugh, fake nice when he's around my friends. AHHH this is nice. No more dad. i could get used to this.
Oh and aren't dads supposed to be good examples and spiritual leaders? Well MY DAD had multiple affairs with different women over the course of his and my Mom's 28 years of marriage, and also once argued to me that you cannot do ministry in his workplace because it's not accepted. HMMM WOW DAD WHAT A GREAT EXAMPLE. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.
So there's that.

#2: Aaaaandy. You know when you care about someone and you mess up so you pray your guts out trying to figure out what to do next and the spiritual authorities in your life tell you to completely let go of this person and fill whatever space they're taking up in your heart with the Lord? Well yeah that's whats up with me and Andy. i love him. i miss him. And as much as anyone is like "hey you're dumb you don't really love him"... well... they're stupid, 'cause i do. That's that. i love Andy. But Andy does not belong to me, he belongs to Jesus. And i belong to Jesus. And until Jesus says "hey you two, have each other" then NO. And my gosh, this is the hardest thing i've ever ever ever ever ever had to do. i wish i didn't have to.
And then i look and i see Andy and i get sad. i get mad. At myself... at God. At my dad and at my spiritual leaders.
-At myself for having no self-control when i need it most.
-At God for making me give up Andy.
-At my dad for leaving a hole where there should have been a father figure
-At my spiritual leaders for directing me on a path that doesn't include Andy being my boyfriend
BUT THEN... i see that there's a reason for this. And if i just focus on GOD and His Kingdom and what i can do to expand it and share it, things come into perspective a little, and i know i'm taken care of and that my husband is either Andy, or someone more perfect than Andy (impossible to believe, i know)

Summary of things on my mind:
#1: My dad is a douche and left. i miss the dad i wish he was
#2: i miss Andy. i love Andy. i love Jesus more. Jesus is my boyfriend now... even though a lot of the time i wish it could be Andy. But that's later.... Andy =boyfriend later...or...hopefully = husband later
#3: Both of my brothers are leaving...dangit
#4: My 3 best friends (Sare, Bippanee, Kat) are all happily in relationships with wonderful guys... most nights it makes me cry and miss Andy
#5: i don't have the money to do 24/7 in August, so i'm waiting until January. i have peace about it, but that's SOOOOO far away from now. Wish i had the money
#6: Jesus is awesome. And as much as i cussed and said stupid girly stuff in this post, i am madly in love with my Father in heaven. i know He's got my back no matter what i'm dealing with
#7: Man.... i wanna play some Reach